The Worst Customer...Ever

So as you had noticed from my little meme jab fav.me/d53i3ts which has hilariously been viewed 750 times, I had a nice little run-in with a customer at work which just was extra special.


First things first, I work in a little awards shop with a giant staff of 4 people, we know 98% of our customers by name and even then have a pretty good recollection of who has come in and ordered what.

So I had left one Friday afternoon a little early at the insisting of my boss' son, which turned out to be a mistake because as I leave and everything begins to close around 5pm, this girl comes driving up (we all love the last minute people right?)  From the second-hand experience, this girl, who has to be in her late 20's early 30's like me, accompanied by her "boyfriend" who is pushing retirement age comes in, she first of all, hops up and over one of our stools, loses her balance, which then has her knocking into our display case, which is filled with crystal and acrylic awards for sale (figure how this went).

The conversation continued to get soured as she introduced herself as first and foremost "In love with God" and wanted to know why we didn't have an <>< sign out on our door to let everyone know this is a Christian-friendly establishment.  This is not uncommon here in the Bible Belt, my wife and I have always joked that they "se hablo Jesus' Cristo" since a lot of companies like to advertise they speak Spanish here as well.  My coworker dealing with the customer, a practicing agnostic, didn't really warm up to the idea (btw gay money, agnostic money, hispanic money, black money is just as valuable of a currency as white, christian money, and we accept all and any form of payment minus AMEX)  So after that, she continues to complain on why we close at 5, because you know, we have lives...then goes on to say that she sends "all of her friends here" (bullshit, nobody from her square dancing club except for her has ever stepped foot in the shop) and that one had a "bad experience" and wanted a discount.   Again, bullshit...1. see previous sentence 2. we don't offer discounts unless you are an employee and if you are not happy with something, we fix it for you, and 3. don't try to pull the haggling card out again after you had already tried that during an earlier visit.  Aside of all of this, she begins taking some of our sample plaques off the wall, walking past the giant blue EMPLOYEES ONLY line, and then proceeding to running in and out of the store several times.  My friend is now wondering if he's about to get robbed...  She then finds a plaque that she likes...as in the size, because apparently she informed us that she didn't like green, nor baseball.  (the sample plaque was for a little league award)

So now that she's in, my buddy not to turn away business stayed there as her Father's Day present evolved from a simple plaque to a complexed monstrosity to which involved mounting a resin figure to a wooden base with a plaque attached to it.  45 minutes after closing time this is finally agreed on.  My buddy by now is looking through the windows wondering where the camera crews are because surely this is for an episode of Punk'd.

I come in Monday, and I am told of the situation,  I know of the girl, I dealt with her the first time she came in and I had known her before when she was a clerk at a local retail store where she would try to draw up a conversation about every time I would buy a Transformer there...the last straw was when she decided to break out the Ghostbusters theme when I wore a shirt with the GB logo on it.  She was to come back in Monday afternoon with pictures for this plaque.   In preparation for it, since I'm usually quiet and not the most patient to deal with annoying customers, I hiked across the street and got loaded up on some NOS which would prepare me for the ensuing battle.  Eventually she came in with her boyfriend and attempted to pull a similar shill with me as she did the following Friday.  Dealing with idiots on a regular basis with my racing days, I used the same approach: no small talk, yes/no answers, and when indecisive, make her decision for her.  

After showing my mad skillz, I was given a  lecture to what an oval shape was, because she didn't want a round picture nor a square picture, and apparently ellipse is a big word in some circles (see what I did there?)  Eventually I told her i'd draw out a book with the two pictures (which were nearly identical minus a hand up in the air on one) on opposite pages.  We argued about the price, which was now doubled from the original quote...sort of by accident, but we have the tendency to factor in a "Pain in the ass" fee when a customer's job begins to get overly difficult and unnecessarily time-consuming.

This now lead to the infamous "background-gate".  I used a 5x7 plaque for the base of this work and managed to fill out the book design to cover the majority of the surface area, however behind there is a slight empty space which needed to be filled.  Since we were going with a very Godly theme, I used clouds...sent the proof off, approved...no big.

Next day I went into work early, I figured the faster I get this done, now that it's approved, the faster we can be rid of this customer for the sake of everyone's sanity.  as I fire up the heat press, print out the artwork to be transferred, I get a phone call...well 4....I don't usually answer the phone until 9, but given 3 calls in 5 minutes, I figured it was probably her...which it was...nix the clouds, send me something else...

What do you want?

I don't know, not clouds...I want to make sure it's good since I'm paying $xx.xx for this.

Okay, I'll send you some samples for you to pick.

Okay.

So I now go off and pick up random textures and start placing them on the background and send them to her....about 10 or so

I like 5 and 10, let me see some more...

I send her a few more, basically the same things just with a different color overlay.

What about a lake?  My dad loves lakes?

....It's..a...background...image....all you will see is sky, a small green strip, and more blue...

Okay, what about ducks?  He likes ducks.

...It's...a...background...image..all you will see is yellow fluff and a beak...Listen, I went to school for 4 years to be a graphic artist, go with me when I say you need a generic, random, texture in for the background.

Okay, send me some random, generic textures...

...I already did.....twice....

A few hours go by and well by now my left eye is starting to twitch...

...Okay, you said you liked 5 and 10, which one of those do you like best....you know what (taking the decision out of her hand) #10 seems to work the best,  we're going to go with that.

Okay, can you photoshop the car out of the picture?

....no.....

Can you add more trees to the pictures?

....no...

Okay that's fine.

(an hour later)

Can you lighten us in the picture?

(Photoshopping her with flames)  Sure...

Okay, I think we have a winner!

(To myself) Well Ding freakin' ding....

(another hour later, now up to 8 hours spent on this project)

Do you think we should add "A gift from your daughter ------ -------"?

Nope...I think the two near-identical pictures of his only child will be a good indication of who it's from.

Okay...when can I pick it up?

*mumbles* not soon enough...We close at 5.

Well, that won't work for me, why can't you stay open until 6 like you do sometimes?

We close at 5...(we were open until 6 last week because someone wouldn't leave)

Fine, I can get my boyfriend to pick it up at 5:30.

We close at 5...he lives at a retirement community 3 miles away from us...

Okay, he'll pick it up at 5.

We'll be here...

5:15, Boyfriend shows up and picks up the gift, leaving me with a six-pack of Rocket Girl Lager and Skyrim..

Now, I don't know if the customer had a mental condition or had two parents who doubled as siblings or what...I try not to pass judgment and try to be careful because the last time I did it ended up being a person with downs syndrome, so I like to think that sometimes people act in a way that they just can't help...but this is the south, and we do have people who are just morons/assholes who think they can act like a 12 year old and think it's cute, when in reality it's tumor-on-a-child's-face cute...maybe that's why she works at Goodwill and has a 70 year old boyfriend...I dunno...

Ugh, nasty business, really. But, sure enough, I got the M&Ms, and Ozzy went on stage and did a great show.